Much can be said about the past five years of my life—and much can be learned from them as well. I suppose there is no better place to start than from the beginning. The first thing I hope you, especially those involved in college Greek Life, learn from this book is to not to sacrifice your integrity for conformity. Take your integrity seriously; if you find yourself acting differently around different groups of people, make ways to adjust your life so that you can be comfortable being yourself no matter what the circumstances. Also, be careful with whom you let into your life; not everyone is going to have a positive impact on you. Recognizing this will allow you to surround yourself with people of similar morals and beliefs. In short, these are the people that are going to help you get to where you want to go personally and spiritually.

 

I hope you’ve learned by now, and I know that you’ve probably heard it a million times, but don’t try drugs. Refusing to try drugs will save you from a world of problems that comes along with using them; many of these problems you cannot see when you first start using a drug, but they will arise later-on. If you’re thinking of trying drugs, I encourage you to simply skip it and save yourself from several problems you didn’t even know they would cause. In the same vein, stay away from being overly intoxicated with alcohol. You’ll find that your best memories are those you can actually remember; often, you may be fonder of the sober memories that you create—the ones that last the test of time.

 

Choose to find meaning in the things that you do and avoid pursuing what the world says you should—such as money, status, and outward appearances. Instead, find true enjoyment in your life even if it is just in simple and seemingly meaningless things. Also, do the emotional things like giving symbolic gifts to people. They mean something and serve as great reminders of your love for one another. One day, you may look around your house and be overwhelmed by the many personal artifacts of love you have collected throughout the years from those in your life. 

 

Remember, life is not a race. You may see others deep into their careers or personal life journeys, but that does not mean you are not where you are supposed to be in your own life. With that being said, follow your dreams! Take actionable steps to pursue your dreams. I spent much time simply expecting my dreams to come true, which caused much pain and suffering. When things seem difficult, sometimes the best thing you can do is stick to the plan you created for yourself.

 

You will encounter different seasons of your life, with different people in those seasons. Keep the people that mean the most to you closest. If you happen to go through difficult times, know of the value of the friends that stay by your side. Good friends will stick with you through the bad times, and while it may be difficult to hear, those that do not may not be as good of friends as you once thought. Also, you cannot force people to change. You must love them where they are, and God will do the rest. Trying to force people to change assumes that you are God and that you have the power to change their hearts, which is not always true.

 

Do not fear being, or being seen as, crazy. If being “crazy” means not living in “reality” then you might choose to describe me as crazy (which you shouldn’t). I will say one thing about being seen as “psychotic” or “crazy”. Who is to say that, if God were the ultimate reality, your experience of “reality” is more correct than mine? We live in a world not based on faith. 

 

Junior year of college, I often thought about the phrase “I think, therefore I am”, which is somewhat accepted in Catholic teaching. The phrase “Cognito, ergo sum” resonated with me from a philosophical perspective, and I began wondering “How can we think? That’s it, you must exist in order to think as well. This quote is based on the presumption that thinking is a real thing. What if thinking was not real? That’s just it. As you keep trying to read and make sense of my writing, you are actively placing your faith in the supposition that thinking is real. If thinking is not real, then nothing we are experiencing matters. So you rely on certain presumptions (ie you have faith in things) to believe that “reality” exists. Are you living a life of faith or are you living a life based not on faith? What is the benefit of living a life in faith? The cons? In the best-case scenario, God exists, and we go to heaven. In the worst case, nothing exists and we’re not real. God and heaven serve as a beacon of hope when there is nothingness, and you decide to choose faith. After having faith, then we can reason that things are real.

 

Dealing with such existential questions while I was actively being told I was psychotic was difficult for me. I wasn’t sure whether my thoughts were based in reason at any given moment and whether I even existed. This caused much fear and suffering. I was in pain because I couldn’t justify my existence. I learned that I could manage the scariest of fears that made me think about dying frequently. I was never suicidal, but these existential questions pained me frequently.

 

I can get kind of in my head about certain things, as you will come to learn, but enough about me. To all the mentally ill and struggling out there: diagnoses do not define you. I know how difficult it can be to not let a label affect your view of yourself or your capabilities. For a long time, I did not want to believe that we both had (and you may still have) serious mental health problems. I didn’t identify myself as having mental health problems for a long time, which was good and bad. I couldn’t admit that I was depressed, which was bad, but I never accepted that I was schizoaffective (which I am not).

 

I also gained much empathy for those suffering in the psychiatric wards, including myself. We dealt with extreme problems that were difficult to bear. Despite this, with a sanguine demeaner, we dealt with our problems—in my case insanity. I believe that the virtue of being sanguine is a gift from God. I hope that others may see my ability to be happy (and think of jokes constantly) despite losing my mind as a testament of God’s love.

 

Another thing I’ve learned to believe is that we should introduce sensitive subjects slowly and appropriately, especially when telling someone that you have experienced (or experience) psychosis. I did not do this, and I scared many people away with from me. I should have been gentler when interacting with those whom I did not want to drive away. Again, the people who are meant to stay in your life will. The sad truth is that the entire time I believed I was conversing with and growing closer to my friends, I was actively distancing myself from them by refusing to interact socially. Despite this pain (and other pains), humor is an incredibly good way to handle suffering. It is also a good way to outgrow insecurities so long as you are still taking actionable steps to remedy those insecurities which are changeable.

 

I also learned that, due to my personality, I really enjoy making jokes about homosexuality. For whatever reason—I’ll let you know now that I do not enjoy the aspect of putting other people down—I find the humor very entertaining. I’ve learned to love the part of me that enjoys flamboyant and excessive humor, which I am happy to find within the homosexual community quite often.

 

Additionally, I learned of the importance of finding a spiritual director. I learned that, in combination with your community, a spiritual advisor can often tell your needs better than you can. Decide to trust someone with the mission of guiding you towards God in the best ways they know how.

 

Finally, I learned of the importance and potential for my artform I named Felicity, which is the art of expressing emotion. Using colors, sounds, scents, words, and pretty much anything else you can imagine, you can benefit greatly. You can learn to speak and interact with others in a way that is more reflective of your emotions while discussing other topics. There is so much you can do when you open your mind to creativity, and in this case, Felicity.